In Co-Parenting Facilitation, sometimes I meet with parents where one has always been hands-on and involved with the kids, and the other parent has not shown much interest in their child.
That’s sad enough for the child, but the parent who lacks interest usually hasn’t pursued a parenting time schedule. Often it’s because they don’t want to go to court or be forced to pay a set amount in child support to the other parent, and so they end up just casually asking their co-parent if they can have some occasional time with the kids.
It’s random, sporadic and not according to a schedule, which is terrible for the child’s routine.
Such a parent might give money casually or buy their child some clothes, but nothing formal in the way of ongoing support for their day-to-day life.
And then, all of a sudden, this not-around parent shows an interest. Why? Often it’s because their own mother wants to see their grandchild.
Again, not a bad goal—the more loving people in a child’s life, the better! But if it’s someone else’s interest who spurs said parent to go to court and fight for parenting time, well, I’m going to be suspicious.
And usually it’s for good reason.
I’ve seen this happen time and time again. The parent fights in court for set parenting time—sometimes as much as a 50-50 schedule! You can imagine what an adjustment such a change will be for a child.
Especially if it turns out that the parenting time with this parent is not actually with this parent. You see, in these types of situations, the parent often drops off their child to the relative who wanted time with them in the first place.
It’s a bait-and-switch in the divorce world, and it’s truly a dirty trick for a child, and for the parent who is dependable and devoted.
None of this is fair. It’s not fair to the child to be picked up by a parent they’ve longed to have time with only to find out they won’t be with that parent for more than a car ride. It’s not fair to the parent who’s always been there doing most of the child-rearing, who now will lose significant parenting time to distant relatives.
I believe strongly that children should have time—meaningful time—with extended family, but not in place of their actual parent.
It’s not fair to the child who might have to miss regularly scheduled activities or not get homework done because a grandparent or an aunt or a neighbor can’t possibly know their routine and help maintain it.
While relationships with extended family are important, the child’s life is the most important thing in the parenting time equation. They should still have stability, routine and structure, so any parenting time that the other parent has must lend itself to maintaining that structure and routine.
And while I think it’s great for the child to have time with extended family, I also know a child could feel a real sense of abandonment if all they see of the other parent is picking them up and dropping them off with other people.
It’s hard enough if they don’t see that parent often and even harder, almost rubbing it in their face, if they’re picked up by them and just as quickly dropped off with other relatives.
What’s more, it can be really painful for the parent who does all this caregiving to have time taken away and not have the other parent involved at all.
I’ve seen parents do this and try to hide the fact that other family members are taking care of their child. They make up stories about where they’re at if they don’t spend the night with their child, and the lack of transparency is also a lack of good co-parenting.
An equalized good parenting relationship is just that: equal time for equally devoted, attentive parents.
Remember, the child’s best interests should guide all parenting time arrangements, not selfish personal interests of the adults in their life.