Some people fight just to fight. If one says yes, the other says no. I understand frustrations that co-parents have with each other but at a certain point, it’s important to acknowledge, ok, our situation sucks, and move on.
When you share children, whether you were ever married to one another or not, the children should always be the focus. ALWAYS. That means getting over your own frustrations, grudges, and hurt between the two of you and training yourself to focus on what is BEST for your children.
You should want your kids to have relationships with both parents. Kids of divorce often worry about offending one parent or the other. They should not have to worry about this.
Your goal should be making life easier for your children in every way possible. They should not agonize over saying something that might make you mad or offend or hurt your feelings. They should not ever think about your feelings—you should be thinking about theirs.
Many Co-Parents lose sight of who this is all about! Your kids, always.
So many people are mired in self-righteousness, or their viewpoint, that there is no flexibility of thinking.
American society has unfortunately created a lot of this strife. As a country, we are no longer flexible thinkers, no longer interested in other people’s viewpoints. It has become acceptable to stand on a pedestal and cling to a particular belief system and never hear anything different.
We no longer are learn to take into account other people’s positions or feelings. It hurts us in every way, including parenting. If we can’t put ourselves in our kids’ shoes, we can’t possibly parent them for their best outcome.
As a Co-Parenting Facilitator, I listen to parents argue every day, and I feel for their kids. I feel for kids of divorce in general—they have to go back and forth between two homes, their activities are often compromised by their parents’ desires or resentments, decisions take forever because they have to go through the quagmire of conflicting parents.
Children of divorce grow up in the biggest bureaucracy—it can take weeks or months to decide whether they can play soccer or take a dance class because of the layers of decision-making that their parents insist upon.
There is no free flow, and nothing is easy.
It should be. Childhood should be free-flowing and easy. Children should be able to try an activity one day and then the next day, try something else.
They should not be stuck in navigating between two bitter parents.
When two parents are on the same page, they are able to deliver a focused message, and life is so much easier for their children.
So I ask you, dear Co-Parents, what is the point of being at odds? Do you even benefit from it? Because your kids certainly do not.
So I’m going to suggest something: try to let it all go. Try not to care about the outcome or the details. Try to focus only on whether your children are happy, loved, and thriving.
Like, what will happen if things are different at the other parent’s house? Can you let that go?
Where is it getting you to throw zingers back and forth?
What are you doing to each other? What are you doing to yourself? And what are you doing to your kids?
Work out a plan and a schedule, so that you can both spend your time and energy on what matters most: spending time with your children and supporting their growth.
If you’d prefer to direct your energy to accusations and put-downs, to airing grievances, you’ll have nothing good left for the kids.
When parents say conflicting things, kids feel confused. They don’t know who to listen to. They feel overwhelmed. Cohesion and coordination helps kids feel comforted by consistent messaging, by teamwork, by a united front.
They feel safer and more cared for.
They feel held.
So what will it take to get to a point of coordination?
There is another way. I’ve seen it.
Some Co-Parents do the work and find ways to work together. They create plans and schedules and while they may not necessarily get along, they refrain from being mean or going below the belt with insults and barbs. It’s cleaner, and the negotiations work, and the Co-Parents are less stressed.
And their kids thrive.
It’s time to move forward, to embrace the reality of what your family is like TODAY.
Most of this bad behavior is driven by old hurts. Be a grownup. Don’t let your hurt end up hurting your children or depriving them of opportunities that could be good for them.
Co-Parenting is about your children—not either of you winning or getting one over on the other.