There is a lot of misunderstanding about what joint legal custody actually means!
I’ve heard people say, “We have 70-30 parenting time, so therefore I get 70% of the say over decisions for our children.”
That’s not true.
Or they’ll say, “I have 50/50, so the other parent can’t do something without my agreement.”
That’s not how it works.
I’m trying to change the language, which is not easy to do, but I believe language impacts attitude and perspective.
It’s not appropriate to say you must give “permission” to the other parent or they’re not “allowed” to do something without your consent. Joint Legal Custody means the two parties must work together to come to mutual agreement on behalf of their children.
That’s the court’s intent, I believe, and it should be what parents aim for, married or not.
The Importance of Working Together
Coming together on mutual agreement means that one party is not more important or more powerful than the other. Even if one has more knowledge in an area, that doesn’t make them the expert.
So many divorced parents are eager to put forward why they should be able to have more weight in a particular decision. That’s not the spirit of Co-Parenting!
The truth about joint legal custody is just about two people working together on the same level of the metaphorical organizational chart of the family. I mean seriously—these days, is a mother more important than a father or vice versa? (The correct answer is: No, of course not!)
Consider Co-Parenting Like a Team Project
If you think about it as a group project at work or school, it’s people coming together to get something done. What happens in those situations is you brainstorm, you share ideas, you ask for input, you utilize resources, you gather information, and then you talk or email to discuss how to proceed.
Together, you try to come up with solutions, and sometimes that requires compromise.
We all know that compromising means not everybody gets exactly what they want or what they think should happen. But everybody gives in a little to what their vision may be.
So what happens if you can’t come to agreement?
It’s not acceptable for one parent to refuse to compromise or discuss or consider the other parent’s perspective. It’s not in the spirit of joint legal custody.
So if that happens—and it does, unfortunately!—you find someone to intercede.
That doesn’t mean you’re going over their head to get somebody to do what you want to do. It means you need help getting a decision made. I call it going up the food chain.
Going Up The Legal Food Chain
The first step would be seeking out a Co-Parenting Facilitator, Parenting Coach or therapist and working with them, talking out the various issues and trying to come to agreement together.
A neutral third party can be helpful, objective, offering solutions the two of you might not be able to see for yourselves because you’re so emotionally involved.
If that doesn’t work, you go further up the food chain to arbitration or court. Just know that the further you go up the food chain, the less decision-making power you have for your own children. In court, someone else is going to make that decision for you.
Sometimes that’s better. Sometimes somebody else should make the decision for you, and it doesn’t make you a failure if that happens.
But of course, it is not ideal.
The Goal Is Successful Co-Parenting
However you resolve the issues, hopefully afterwards, you can return to peace. Leave the mudslinging out.
A Parenting Coordinator can come in handy—if you can’t make decisions together, they can make decisions for you, after trying to mediate it.
I’ve had clients say they want sole legal custody to avoid having to compromise with their co-parent, but I’ll be honest: only in the most extreme cases is a court going to consider awarding sole legal custody.
We’re talking heaps of documented information proving that the other parent is not following court orders, acting unilaterally or in some way harming the children. You need mountains of proof, and being difficult in decision-making just won’t cut it.
The bottom line is you’re going to have to learn to work with the other person. And believe me, there are worse things than that.